How Do You Know.....

.....If you're really depressed? I always have times when I get down and lonely, but I don't know if it's really a problem or if it's just me being in one of my emo moods.

Me getting down has been going on for some years now though. It seems like it's worse if I'm in a bad situation financially (if I have no job, no car, etc). However, this feeling rears its head even when things seem "ok" to everyone else. I have a stable job, brand new car, an apartment that's paid for, no kids, my bills are paid. But I still just feel...empty. Like I want to cry, but even that won't help.

I always say I'm going to seek counseling, but I end up procrastinating and never getting around to it. I don't have the money to pay for therapy on my own, but I don't want to go through the military for it either. Most of the people I've met in the military strike me as being really careless and messy, and I'm paranoid that my business would get out, and that would only make things worse.

Girl........Have one of These. \_

I don't know if any of you had the opportunity to check out Rihanna's recent performance on Saturday Night Live. If you missed it, you can catch it here.

Before I start, let me say this. I AM a fan of Rihanna's music. I wasn't all that into her when she came out with "Pon de Replay," but I've been rocking out with her since her Good Girl Gone Bad days. She's a beautiful girl, she's sexy, and even when I try to hate some of her songs, most of them end up being some of my favorites, because they're just so damn catchy.

^^^This was a disclaimer for anyone that may think I am bashing her when I make these following comments.

The performance was horrible. I knew it was going to be horrible before I pressed "play," but because I'm a fan, there's always that tiny glimmer of hope inside that says, "Okay, THIS will be the time when she finally nails it!"

But no. Rih's been in the game seven years now and she's still giving me strained ass vocals and amateur dancing. I got chills while she warbled her way through "Birthday Cake" and "Talk that Talk" and I'm not talking about the rejuvenated, I-got-the-Holy-Ghost kind of chills.

What makes her disastrous live performing even worse is the people that comment and make every single excuse known to man. I've heard things like, "Well at least she's trying" and "Maybe she was nervous" and "At least she looked good."

Are you serious? Like I said earlier, Rihanna's been in the music industry for SEVEN years. Count 'em: one, two, three, four, five, six, SEVEN. She's received Grammys, she's had several concert tours. She's not some new buck pushing her first single. When she sang like this during her Music of the Sun days, I could kinda understand. I say "kinda," because if you're calling yourself a singer, then dammit you better sing. But you've dropped six albums and you still sound like a billy goat being strangled? Nah, son. That's unacceptable. I don't give a damn how pretty she looks or if she has performance jitters. Being a music artist is her JOB. If you can't perform, maybe it's time to find a new career path. I mean, if she were a pizza delivery driver and could never deliver orders on time after seven years, do you think Pizza Hut would still keep her inefficient ass? Hell no. So why is it okay for her to suck at her job because she's a celeb with a pretty face?

Another thing that grinds my gears is that for being such a mediocre artist, the girl damn sure is cocky. The shenanigans she gets herself into off stage are more entertaining than what she gives on stage. With her being such a bad performer, I can't co-sign any of it though. Taking racy pics with Snoop Dogg, smoking big ass blunts, showing off "Thug Life" tattoos with your middle finger up.....girl. Fuck me? No, fuck you for putting out a new album every six months and still not being able to carry a tune. Maybe if she spent more time in the studio perfecting her craft instead of trying to be this "bad bitch," we would get better quality performances. The fact that she still hasn't, shows that she truly doesn't give a damn about her fans and because of that, I don't think I'll be spending any more of my money to support her "being pretty" and partying.

Does This Shit Work?

I downloaded the Blogger app. Just seeing if it works. Testing, testing....

I Can't Believe.........

........It's been more than two months since I posted anything on this blog. SMH at my damn self. That's unacceptable. Writing has always been my first love, and to not write for that long just ain't right. Maybe that's why I've felt so empty for the past couple months.


In my defense, one reason that maybe kinda sorta makes it okay that I haven't posted in so long is because I started "cranking" at the beginning of March. Cranking is something that the Navy puts every E-4 and below sailor through when they get to the ship (well....not EVERY sailor, because I know a few people that managed to weasel their way out of cranking, but that's another story). Basically, when you crank, you work in the ship's galley (or kitchen for civilians) for 3-4 months and "assist" the cooks with cleaning, preparing meals, serving food, etc. I say "assist" because sometimes it feels like we're doing the cooks' jobs FOR them. Oh, and the hours are long. As hell. I work 12-13 hour shifts, and that's on a good day. Then a couple weeks ago, I was picked to work the night shift. Now I go in to work around 6pm and get off around 7am the next morning. Any time in between work is spent sleeping, so that leaves any other activities out. On top of that, I was having some issues with my laptop and getting internet access so.....yeah.


In other news, I broke up with Taz. Again. For real this time. I talked about how I broke things off with him a few months ago, but I started feeling guilty about how abrupt I was and I talked to him and we agreed to give it another shot. However, as the weeks and months went on, I wasn't seeing any progress. He still hadn't gotten a job, but was still making plans to move here to Virginia. Whenever I asked him basic questions like where he was going to live, if he was going to have a car, etc., he would be really nonchalant and claim that he would "figure all that out" when he got here. Apparently, he doesn't like to plan things out too much because when people have things planned out step-by-step, things don't always go as planned and that's when everything gets all fucked up. Okay. I get that, but if you're moving to a completely different state and you don't even know where you're going to LIVE? Nah, I can't co-sign that. Even though he never said it, and even though I told him a while ago that I wasn't planning on shacking up with him, I have a very strong feeling that he was going to try to move in with me. 


The final straw came when my mom's friend (I'll call her Grace) that lives in Virginia told me that she wanted to have a conversation with Taz. I had told her about his plans to move here and since she says that I'm like a daughter to her, she wanted to talk to him and see what his intentions were. I reluctantly agreed, because Grace is just as bad--if not worse than--my mother when it comes to giving folks the third degree. (I guess that's why they're such good friends.) She started off by asking what he did as a career and he told her that he's a "professional photographer." She asked if that was how he paid his bills and he said yes. I knew that to be a lie, because if his photography paid the bills, then why is it that just a few months ago I sent him $50 to pay his phone bill? Okay, moving on. Then she asked if he was in school. He said no, then went on to say that he had taken a "sabbatical." Grace quickly stopped him and asked if he had been getting a check while he was on this so-called sabbatical. He laughed it off and corrected himself, saying that he actually had taken time off because he had problems with asthma and bronchitis. He claimed he had plans to go back (although he was supposed to be back in school this past semester, but that didn't happen for whatever reason). This led Grace to ask where he planned to be a year from now. Taz told her he sees himself being done with school, and working as an art teacher. He added that he directs movies so he plans to have his first film completed by then as well. Then she asked where he sees himself two years from now. His answer was that he doesn't like to think that far ahead. Really? Two years from now is too far ahead? After a little more prodding from Grace, he said that he plans to have two photography studios open. Let me also add that with all his talk of future plans, my name was never mentioned. Yeah.


Naturally, my mom's friend noticed this, so she asked what his plans were for me, since he was planning to move to Virginia. He hesitated for a long-ass minute, then told her something was happening with his phone and he needed to call her from another phone. He called her back, then stuttered a little more as he tried to come up with an answer. Finally, he said that he wants to be here to uplift me and "simplify" my life. How he planned to simplify my life coming here with no job, nowhere to live, and no transportation is beyond me. If anything, I could only see that complicating things for me. For some reason, that response really pissed me off. He made it sound as if I'm some charity case and I need him here to rescue me. I wanted to get on the phone and tell him, "Nigga, this ain't a fairy tale and you ain't a damn prince. Because I'm pretty sure that the prince in the fairy tales could at least afford to take the princess out to dinner every once in a while."


The final topic in the conversation was Grace asking Taz who he relies on spiritually for strength. This was another question that caused him to fumble over his words for several moments, before he told her that he relies on himself to get through situations. I guess I should have mentioned earlier that Grace is a very religious woman. She's always on me about being sure to get linked up with a God-fearing man. I've never been the Bible-toting, scripture quoting type, but with several things that have happened in my life, it had to be God that pulled some strings because I definitely couldn't have done it myself. So to hear Taz saying that he didn't believe in ANY higher being because that's not realistic...I knew things wouldn't end well. Grace pulled out a couple scriptures on Taz, including that one about being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you, and added that relying on human strength only is a recipe for failure. Then she ended the conversation by saying how lovely it was to have talked with him and she wished him nothing but the best. She also advised that he probably shouldn't move here because if his asthma was that severe in St. Louis, he would be sick all the time due to the high pollen index in Virginia.


I got back on the phone with him, but he sounded like he was talking to someone else and wasn't responding to me so I hung up. He called back a couple times, but I was too busy talking shit about him with Grace that I didn't answer. I called him back later and he said he was at the movies and he would text me. He never did. I wanted to call him again, curse him out, ask him a bunch of questions about why he had fabricated his life to sound good to my mom's friend (even though he still failed miserably), but I didn't. I knew he would do the double-talking shit that he always does, and never give me a straight answer. So the next day, I simply sent a text saying that we needed to go our separate ways. He replied asking, "So we can't be coo no more?" I told him I'm cool and I don't have any hard feelings towards him. I haven't heard from him since. 


I feel relieved though. The whole time we were together, I felt like I was more stressed than he was about how he was going to take care of himself. It would only get worse if he moved here, and my life definitely wouldn't have been "simplified." I don't have any other prospects at the moment, but whatever. I think the single life is where it's at for me right now. I do need to get a damn puppy or goldfish or something, because having no boyfriend AND no friends is just depressing. 


Well that's all for now. I missed the blogger world and I will try to do better about posting!

Confusion. (Part 2)

I went home for the holidays and spent more time with Taz and it was awesome as always. We always had a good time when we hung out. He told me that his feelings for me were getting more serious and I felt the same. I'm usually not one to express my emotions, for fear of looking (and feeling) like an idiot, but with Taz I felt comfortable for some reason. I didn't have any reservations about him making fun of me or judging me, and that's something I never felt with anyone else.

This past January was his birthday month, and about a week before his birthday he sent me a text saying that he was going to try to persuade his younger sister to fly him out to Virginia as a birthday gift. He said that she was originally going to buy him some parts to fix his car and a lens for his camera (he has been working on starting his own photography business). I was excited when he first told me because of course I wanted to see him, but then the logical part of me kicked in and started analyzing the situation. Plane tickets are always expensive, especially on short notice, so I knew that would be about $500 for a round trip. On top of that, he would have to stay in a hotel because I wasn't allowed to have overnight visitors in my barracks. Even the cheap hotels in Virginia start around $100 a night and Taz was planning on staying here for 3 or 4 days, so that would be another 3 or 4 hundred bucks. Add the cost of food to that, and that's easily over $1000 for a trip; money that could be spent towards him having reliable transportation and equipment for his business. I talked to him a couple days later and apparently his sister had mentioned the same thing to him about his preference of taking a trip instead of investing in something more long-term.

I told him that as much as I wanted to see him, I would rather he use that money for the things he needed. He agreed with me, and we continued communicating via phone calls and text. Until.............

We were having a normal conversation as usual, nothing serious, then Taz hits me with the "Oh, btw my phone will be off tomorrow" text. Okay. I ask him what happened to him doing everything he could to make sure we could stay in touch, because we went for nearly a week without talking the last time due to his phone being off. He claimed that he meant what he said before, but things didn't work out the way he thought, therefore we needed to be "realistic."

Let me pause right there.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I pride myself on being very good with words. With that being said, when someone uses a particular word (or words) to prove a point with me, I will take that word and start thinking of every single way that word has been relevant in dealing with that person. So when Taz implied that I was not being realistic, my mind started racing with all the things he had failed to be "realistic" during our relationship. It wasn't very realistic to want to get married and have kids in 1 or 2 years when he had no income, it wasn't realistic to make plans to come to Virginia when he needed to get his car fixed, it wasn't realistic to get into a long-distance relationship knowing that his phone got cut off on a regular basis.....see where I'm going with this?

So I asked him if realistically, he thought it was fair to me not to be able to talk to him, when were already so far from each other. He admitted that he realized it was frustrating, but there was nothing else he could do. I didn't hear from him anymore that night, but I spent the whole night thinking about the conversation and our whole relationship in general. Like I said in the first part of this post, I've been unemployed and phone-less myself in the past, so that's not the issue I was having with Taz. My issue was that he knew what his situation was, but still chose to embark on getting into a serious relationship. And not just a serious relationship, but a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships pretty much depend on the usage of phones or any means of communication other than face-to-face. If I can't see you every day and I also can't talk to you on the phone, or text you, or e-mail you, what kind of relationship do we have?

Even though it hurt my heart more than anything ever had, I knew what I had to do. The next day Taz hit me up, asking if I was "mad" at him. I told him I wasn't mad, but I had done a lot of thinking and I couldn't deal with randomly being out of touch all the time. He asked what I wanted to do, and I told him I thought we should take a break while he took care of his business and then see where things went from there. He said he agreed with me even though he knew it would hurt. He asked where we stood, and I told him I always valued our friendship but a relationship outside of that didn't seem like the best option at the time. Later, he apologized for being a burden to me and said he hoped he hadn't wasted my time and he still loved me no matter what.

This is where the confusion part comes in. I feel like what I did was the best thing to do, logically, but at the same time I feel like I was being a coldhearted bitch. I couldn't stay with him and pay his phone bill every month because I think that would just be a way of enabling him rather than leaving it up to him to handle his own affairs, but at the same time I know how helpless and frustrated you feel when you don't have the money for what seems like a small thing. I've never been in this type of situation before. I always thought if I broke up with someone it would be because they were abusive or cheating.

All of this happened about two weeks ago, and I still replay what was said in my head every day. This love shit sucks.

Confusion. (Part 1)

In my last post, I said that I would write more regarding my feelings and thoughts about my current relationship. There's no better time than the present, so here it goes.

I met my boyfriend (I'll call him Taz, that's his artistic alter ego nickname) seven years ago in college. We were in the same art classes, and as usual, I kept to myself for the most part. However, he would approach me with some bullshit small talk or say something to make me laugh since I was (and still am) so fucking serious. Eventually, we started talking back and forth on MySpace (that lets you know we go waaaaayyy back) and exchanged numbers. I could tell he liked me and I liked him too, but at the time he had a girlfriend so I wasn't trying to get in the middle of that.

We kept in contact on and off for the next few years, but for some reason he would always randomly change his number and I wouldn't be able to get a hold of him. Then he would call or text me from a new number and we would start talking again. Last year, the day I got out of boot camp, I logged into Facebook and I had a friend request from him. No sooner than I accepted the request, there he was in that little pop-up chat window asking how I had been. He wasn't thrilled to hear I had joined the military, but we exchanged numbers again and kept in touch the whole time I was in A school.

When I came home after graduating from A school, Taz and I spent just about every day together for the next two weeks. During that time, he revealed to me that he had always wanted to be with me and asked how I would feel about being in a long distance relationship. I told him I had never experienced it, but because I cared about him I was willing to try it.

Somewhere in here, I guess I should have mentioned that Taz was (and still is) unemployed. Although we went to school together and I graduated, he stopped taking classes because he was having family and health issues and hasn't gone back yet. However, I've had my times of being unemployed and down on my luck. About four years ago this time, I was desperately poor and probably had about $2 to my name, literally. I had no car, could barely afford to buy food, and I definitely couldn't pay any of my bills. This led to my cell phone being cut off and accruing a $500 bill due to the termination cost and late fees. Add the constant harassing phone calls from bill collectors and you had one miserable sister. I say all of that to say that I knew about Taz's situation, but I wasn't tripping off it too much because I've been there and I know it sucks. I know you can't just snap your fingers and get a 50K yearly salary. I have been called materialistic in my younger days, but I've never been the type of woman to expect a man to buy me clothes, jewelry, and a brand new car. If there's anything I want, I'm capable of paying for it myself. I knew that I was in a bad financial situation, but I managed to get out of it so I had faith that Taz would do the same.

We became "official" in October of 2011 and things were going great. I made the move to Virginia, and one day while we were on the phone he mentioned that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days because his phone would be off. I was thrown off for a minute, then I realized that he was saying he wouldn't be able to pay the bill. I know some of you out there are going to throw virtual darts at me for what I'm about to say, but since we had just started dating and I was feeling unusually compassionate, I sent him the money to pay for it. He promised he would pay me back but I told him not to worry about it. I felt if the roles were reversed and I was in his shoes, he would do the same for me.

As the months went by, he would tell me about jobs he had applied for and how people weren't hiring him because they claimed his skills didn't match what they were looking for. At the same time, he confided that he wasn't getting any support from his family because they looked down at him as a "bum" that was never going to be anything in life. I did my best to encourage him, telling him not to be influenced by what other people thought of him and to do what he could to get back on his feet. He'd say I was right and tell me how much he appreciated me for being there for him.

Then he sent me a text one day saying his phone was going to be off....again. Okay. As much as I wanted to, I refrained from offering to send him the money again. A few days went by with no contact from him and I was a little irritated. Here I am in a long distance relationship, already missing out on the comfort of seeing the person I love every day, and now I can't even hear his voice either? I was pissed. I still did my best to be understanding though, and didn't confront him about how I was feeling (although I should have).

Okay....this is getting long. I guess I'm going to stop here and do that Part 2 shit. Hopefully I won't take forever doing it.

Serious Question.

Is there anyone out in the blogosphere that resides (or knows someone that resides) in Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, or Washington?? I'm trying to come up with a plan....

*Wink, wink

Y'all can probably already figure out what it is.